"WIDOW ONA COCKSEDGE"

BY:  FRITZ VON LUDWIGSLUST

CHAPTER TEN


BY: FRITZ VON LUDWIGSLUST

CHAPTER NINE


    Poor Ona Cocksedge, widowed at only twenty nine years old and thus thrown into (and wrapped up like a now unwelcome ladybug, a victim to be eaten alive in) the local shady-ladies, spider's party-line web of vicious lies and scandalous rumours.
    Widow Ona Cocksedge was still a very hot looking number (ala timeless, screen legend Mamie Van Doren) much to the dismay of the females of the "Nabe",  but to the horn-dog delight of almost all of the (very rare to actually find) truly straight males in the area.
    The rumours started even before Ona moved into the old, lodge hut on the edge of the Nabe.  The town mynah birds flocked around Ona's new abode to see what the movers brought.    The unwelcoming "welcoming committee" spent those days and nights walking their unfortunate dogs, cats and even poultry and livestock up and down the street again and again, spying on the Nabe's new inhabitant.  Darian even pretended to be looking for a non existent lost cat so she could look into the lodge.  She told one mover that the missing cat was an orange tabby and then told another mover that it was a Siamese pussy.  It must have been that fourth or fifth screwdriver (with a Rheingold chaser) that Darian was sucking out of a large coffee mug... sans any sugar, cream or java.



A TEASER TALE...   TO BE CONTINUED!
 
 

 
    

"ANNA FETTWEISS... THREE POSSUMS WITH ONE SKUNK IN A HUBCAP FILLED WITH SUET... AND FAUX-VILLE'S EVIL COFFEE CLUTCH"...

BY:  FRITZ VON LUDWIGSLUST

CHAPTER 11



Faux-ville...  3:00 am on a Monday night and
town head-adulteress Darian woke up to find herself passed out in the back of a Mercury Chevy with one of her closest "girlfriends" husbands (hubby Kit was passed out at home).  It took all of her strength to push Larkin Edwards off her, crawl out of the back seat of the car and race home across the overgrown field that separated their two neighborhoods,  before Kit could wake up to get another brew and butt and find her missing.  Darian was sweating and stumbling as she attempted to run a straight line across the field and down the small road.  She was not doing well after having six Bloody Marys and a 16 ounce can of Rheingold,  topped off with the home made Betty Crocker cream cheese dip and chips that she brought for this midnight "picnic".  Darian suddenly felt nauseous as she fell to her knees on the front lawn of Anna Fettweiss's home.  All Darian remembers is waking up one hour later in a nasty puddle of 101 proof vomit, face to face(s) with three Opossums and one striped Skunk staring at her from what looked like an old hubcap filled with garbage scraps.  Just another night in Faux-ville...


   Poor Anna Fettweiss...  a kindly, quiet, mature woman who had the misfortune of living within vicious gossip distance and constant microscopic vision of the deadly coffee clutch crew, which was queened by town hypocrite, adulteress and alcoholic Darian.  It seems that the coven of "mynah birds" had a garbage can full of new fodder on Madame Fettweiss to dump onto their already manure laden table where they met to dish the dirt and filth while drinking cups of "coffee" (really filled with everything from Night-train and Thunderbird to cooking Sherry and high alcohol level vinegar).

     Its true what they say...  that it those "victimizing" bullies who trash and bad mouth innocent victims of immoral and unacceptable behavior that are almost always the true perpetrators of the evil gossip that they spew.  Faux-ville acid mouthed Darian was no exception to the rule... That is in between her noon time alcohol binging, next door neighbor husband coveting, telephone gossip raging routine.
 It was not long before Darian, Mrs Masterhorn and the rest of the "mynahs" from the deadly nabe coffee clutch were attempting to freeze out poor Anna and bad mouth her to anyone who would listen.  It didn't work on Miss Fettweiss though,  as she had always lived a solitary existence at 113 Birchwood lane for the last thirty years and was unfazed by anything the "mynah birds" attempted to do against her.   Anna's appearance did not help her cause much though.  She only emerged from her cottage very late at night like a ghost, covered in layers and layers of old clothes, with a large hat and veil covering her face like a bee keeper.

    Frau Fettweiss had lived a hermits life on Birchwood lane, always keeping to herself and her nocturnal "pets".  You see Anna did not feed the birds in her yard as some folks would,  Anna preferred to feed the local furry critters that invaded rural Faux-ville after sundown instead... when Darian and her crew were already passed out from imbibing cocktails and all "gossiped" out.  This only fueled more gossip and rumours about her odd eccentricities.

   Faux-ville was wedged between many farms with large corn fields, hedgerows and miles of deep surrounding forests. There were plenty of raccoons, foxes, porcupines, muskrats, rabbits and two of Anna's favorites... Possums and skunks.  Anna took an old hubcap from her garage, turned it upside down and filled it with kitchen scraps like old dough nuts, bacon drippings, potato peels and chunks of beef suet under one of the two huge Norwegian maple trees in her front yard... much to the dismay of the other neighbors in the area.  Each night was a circus of possums, raccoons, skunks and other would be fur collars and muffs racing in and out to feast on the chow in the old hubcap.

    Was it this new "hobby" of Miss Fettweiss's that started the gossip mill churning and deep trouble for her...?  Or was it (also) possibly her new, secretive and handsome "boarder", a twenty something year old stranger from out of town?

  (Especially when it came to the attention of Faux-ville adultress, alcoholic, prescription drug addict and local resident Queen Cuculus Canorus... Hale Colon)