BY: FRITZ VON LUDWIGSLUST
CHAPTER 11
Faux-ville... 3:00 am on a Monday night and
town head-adulteress Darian woke up to find herself passed out in the back of a Mercury Chevy with one of her closest "girlfriends" husbands (hubby Kit was passed out at home). It took all of her strength to push Larkin Edwards off her, crawl out of the back seat of the car and race home across the overgrown field that separated their two neighborhoods, before Kit could wake up to get another brew and butt and find her missing. Darian was sweating and stumbling as she attempted to run a straight line across the field and down the small road. She was not doing well after having six Bloody Marys and a 16 ounce can of Rheingold, topped off with the home made Betty Crocker cream cheese dip and chips that she brought for this midnight "picnic". Darian suddenly felt nauseous as she fell to her knees on the front lawn of Anna Fettweiss's home. All Darian remembers is waking up one hour later in a nasty puddle of 101 proof vomit, face to face(s) with three Opossums and one striped Skunk staring at her from what looked like an old hubcap filled with garbage scraps. Just another night in Faux-ville...
Poor Anna Fettweiss... a kindly, quiet, mature woman who had the misfortune of living within vicious gossip distance and constant microscopic vision of the deadly coffee clutch crew, which was queened by town hypocrite, adulteress and alcoholic Darian. It seems that the coven of "mynah birds" had a garbage can full of new fodder on Madame Fettweiss to dump onto their already manure laden table where they met to dish the dirt and filth while drinking cups of "coffee" (really filled with everything from Night-train and Thunderbird to cooking Sherry and high alcohol level vinegar).
Its true what they say... that it those "victimizing" bullies who trash and bad mouth innocent victims of immoral and unacceptable behavior that are almost always the true perpetrators of the evil gossip that they spew. Faux-ville acid mouthed Darian was no exception to the rule... That is in between her noon time alcohol binging, next door neighbor husband coveting, telephone gossip raging routine.
It was not long before Darian, Mrs Masterhorn and the rest of the "mynahs" from the deadly nabe coffee clutch were attempting to freeze out poor Anna and bad mouth her to anyone who would listen. It didn't work on Miss Fettweiss though, as she had always lived a solitary existence at 113 Birchwood lane for the last thirty years and was unfazed by anything the "mynah birds" attempted to do against her. Anna's appearance did not help her cause much though. She only emerged from her cottage very late at night like a ghost, covered in layers and layers of old clothes, with a large hat and veil covering her face like a bee keeper.
Frau Fettweiss had lived a hermits life on Birchwood lane, always keeping to herself and her nocturnal "pets". You see Anna did not feed the birds in her yard as some folks would, Anna preferred to feed the local furry critters that invaded rural Faux-ville after sundown instead... when Darian and her crew were already passed out from imbibing cocktails and all "gossiped" out. This only fueled more gossip and rumours about her odd eccentricities.
Faux-ville was wedged between many farms with large corn fields, hedgerows and miles of deep surrounding forests. There were plenty of raccoons, foxes, porcupines, muskrats, rabbits and two of Anna's favorites... Possums and skunks. Anna took an old hubcap from her garage, turned it upside down and filled it with kitchen scraps like old dough nuts, bacon drippings, potato peels and chunks of beef suet under one of the two huge Norwegian maple trees in her front yard... much to the dismay of the other neighbors in the area. Each night was a circus of possums, raccoons, skunks and other would be fur collars and muffs racing in and out to feast on the chow in the old hubcap.
Was it this new "hobby" of Miss Fettweiss's that started the gossip mill churning and deep trouble for her...? Or was it (also) possibly her new, secretive and handsome "boarder", a twenty something year old stranger from out of town?
(Especially when it came to the attention of Faux-ville adultress, alcoholic, prescription drug addict and local resident Queen Cuculus Canorus... Hale Colon)
CHAPTER 11
Faux-ville... 3:00 am on a Monday night and
town head-adulteress Darian woke up to find herself passed out in the back of a Mercury Chevy with one of her closest "girlfriends" husbands (hubby Kit was passed out at home). It took all of her strength to push Larkin Edwards off her, crawl out of the back seat of the car and race home across the overgrown field that separated their two neighborhoods, before Kit could wake up to get another brew and butt and find her missing. Darian was sweating and stumbling as she attempted to run a straight line across the field and down the small road. She was not doing well after having six Bloody Marys and a 16 ounce can of Rheingold, topped off with the home made Betty Crocker cream cheese dip and chips that she brought for this midnight "picnic". Darian suddenly felt nauseous as she fell to her knees on the front lawn of Anna Fettweiss's home. All Darian remembers is waking up one hour later in a nasty puddle of 101 proof vomit, face to face(s) with three Opossums and one striped Skunk staring at her from what looked like an old hubcap filled with garbage scraps. Just another night in Faux-ville...
Poor Anna Fettweiss... a kindly, quiet, mature woman who had the misfortune of living within vicious gossip distance and constant microscopic vision of the deadly coffee clutch crew, which was queened by town hypocrite, adulteress and alcoholic Darian. It seems that the coven of "mynah birds" had a garbage can full of new fodder on Madame Fettweiss to dump onto their already manure laden table where they met to dish the dirt and filth while drinking cups of "coffee" (really filled with everything from Night-train and Thunderbird to cooking Sherry and high alcohol level vinegar).
Its true what they say... that it those "victimizing" bullies who trash and bad mouth innocent victims of immoral and unacceptable behavior that are almost always the true perpetrators of the evil gossip that they spew. Faux-ville acid mouthed Darian was no exception to the rule... That is in between her noon time alcohol binging, next door neighbor husband coveting, telephone gossip raging routine.
It was not long before Darian, Mrs Masterhorn and the rest of the "mynahs" from the deadly nabe coffee clutch were attempting to freeze out poor Anna and bad mouth her to anyone who would listen. It didn't work on Miss Fettweiss though, as she had always lived a solitary existence at 113 Birchwood lane for the last thirty years and was unfazed by anything the "mynah birds" attempted to do against her. Anna's appearance did not help her cause much though. She only emerged from her cottage very late at night like a ghost, covered in layers and layers of old clothes, with a large hat and veil covering her face like a bee keeper.
Frau Fettweiss had lived a hermits life on Birchwood lane, always keeping to herself and her nocturnal "pets". You see Anna did not feed the birds in her yard as some folks would, Anna preferred to feed the local furry critters that invaded rural Faux-ville after sundown instead... when Darian and her crew were already passed out from imbibing cocktails and all "gossiped" out. This only fueled more gossip and rumours about her odd eccentricities.
Faux-ville was wedged between many farms with large corn fields, hedgerows and miles of deep surrounding forests. There were plenty of raccoons, foxes, porcupines, muskrats, rabbits and two of Anna's favorites... Possums and skunks. Anna took an old hubcap from her garage, turned it upside down and filled it with kitchen scraps like old dough nuts, bacon drippings, potato peels and chunks of beef suet under one of the two huge Norwegian maple trees in her front yard... much to the dismay of the other neighbors in the area. Each night was a circus of possums, raccoons, skunks and other would be fur collars and muffs racing in and out to feast on the chow in the old hubcap.
Was it this new "hobby" of Miss Fettweiss's that started the gossip mill churning and deep trouble for her...? Or was it (also) possibly her new, secretive and handsome "boarder", a twenty something year old stranger from out of town?
(Especially when it came to the attention of Faux-ville adultress, alcoholic, prescription drug addict and local resident Queen Cuculus Canorus... Hale Colon)
Damn. Do you a way with words. Love this
ReplyDeleteCuculus canorus! Lmao You are back with a vengance. Marvelous
ReplyDeleteThis is great stuff. Ive bookmarked all of your blogs
ReplyDeleteI love it! The continuation of the stories and characters is wonderful😁! The Carters of Virginia
ReplyDeleteWhat a story, dear! Magnifico!
ReplyDeleteJust read that. Youre very talented.
I was in Xian, China and flight was canceled. Back to USA this morning. How are You?